Failure To Change or Refusing To Change With The Times Could Leave You With Empty Pockets
In the marketplace of today 2 galleries and a free site a day are just not going to cut it. We all wish we could go back to those days when the cash rolled in and we could work 2-3 hours a day and make a decent income. Unfortunately those days even with paid partner accounts are swiftly coming to a end. Blogs took some of the traffic away from TGP’s but it was only a drop in the bucket compared to what all the new Adult Tube sites are doing. And I find almost a new tube site a day. Now while I am not telling you to run out and start a tube site you can take advantage of their explosive growth especially at the ones that allow you to add a url with your uploaded videos. Some sponsors saw the writing on the wall early and are offering sponsor hosted videos that you can embed. This is the future of the adult market place. Even You Tube has crossed the line and are now allowing viral marketing videos. Check the one below out. At the time of this writing it had 3,195,299 views. Do you see the writing on the wall. The times are changing and you better be prepared to change with them. Incidentally that video was added to You Tube on June 15th.
In todays market place you need to always be asking your self how can I reinvent the wheel.
How can I get Joe Porn Surfer on my site and how can I keep him on my site. Too many people today pay little attention to bookmarker’s. Tell people how to bookmark your site and if you have a RSS Feed tell your surfers how to add your feed to their My Yahoo or My Google.
As long as you are not violating your sponsor or sponsors T.O.S. you need to use every trick you can possibly come up with to get the traffic and keep the traffic on your site or sites. Always tell them how to bookmark your site. If you have a feed on your site do a page where you take them by the hand and step by step show them how to add your feed to their personal
home page. I guarantee you that when you start getting the traffic from their personal home pages you will be glad you did.
Make Your Blog and or Web Site Sticky
You say how do I do this. Well I told you at the top of this article the best way to do this. Take advantage of all the new Adult Tube Sites especially the ones where you can add a url with the video when you upload it and use those on your site to get people wanting to return every day. Be sure when you post them that you use good titles especially if your site has a feed so when Joe Porn Surfer sees the title on his home page where he has added your feed he will click thru and come visit your site. Use key words ( Buzz Words ) in those titles to get him on your site. One of my favorite sayings of all time is from Field Of Dreams. If you build it they will come. But one thing a lot of people miss is you have to let them know your there.
One very important thing to learn to do especially in todays marketplace is to learn to think for yourself. Don’t blindly follow the other sheep. Just because they are going in that direction it doesn’t mean the money is over there. But one very true thing to keep in mind is that the adult market place today is changing and you will have to change with it or be left standing there like a lost sheep wondering where you went wrong.
And those are just a few of the threads this week at the Netpond Board that we wanted to point out to you. There are many many more. And if you have any questions or even would like to share with the others on the board start your own thread in the right section. Questions are always welcome so ask away. We hope to see you on the Netpond Board.
DVD delivery services began to flourish once it became clear that people weren’t going to start paying to download full-length movies in bulk anytime soon. But there are weak points in the system: a Houston postal clerk was busted after stealing nearly 6,000 Netflix DVDs — and close to 1,500 Blockbuster DVDs for good measure.
Adult shop zoning on emergency bill
he Worcester County Comm-issioners are scheduled to hold a public hearing today on an emergency bill that seeks to control zoning for adult entertainment businesses in the county.
The bill examines adult-oriented establishments where at least 20 percent of the stock consists of items that depict, describe or relate to sexual activities, adult movie theaters regularly and routinely offering films, videos, electronic files or other similar materials depicting, describing or relating to sexual activities and live adult entertainment establishments.
The bill calls for setbacks from other buildings and other zoning districts for adult entertainment businesses and would require that no merchandise or performances be visible from outside the building.
It also calls for a moratorium on adult entertainment businesses until Dec. 31 so Worcester Commissioners can further study the situation.
The move follows the opening of an adult entertainment store in the 137th Street shopping center in Ocean City.
The Ocean City Planning and Zoning Commission last month recommended to the mayor and council a change in the zoning code that permits sexually-oriented businesses in only 1 percent of town.
The zoning restrictions would leave about 223 acres, or about 1 percent, of the town’s acreage available for the business type.
Also on the Commissioners’ agenda today is the adoption of the $8.9 million fiscal 2007-2008 Solid Waste Enterprise Fund Operating Budget and fees for the operation.
Adoption of the Water and Wastewater Enterprise Fund Budgets and Assessments are also on the agenda. The operation covers the sanitary service areas in the county.
Susan Jones, executive director of the Ocean City Hotel Motel Restaurant Association is expected to give the Commissioners an update on tourism trends.
Chief Deputy Reggie Mason is retiring after 28 years with the Worcester County Sheriff’s Office and is to be presented a commendation for his services to the county.
Adult Toy Magnate and Cypriot Army Separate Amicably
While visiting Cyprus, you may now hear the following: ‘at this point, we’d like to ask everyone to discontinue use of any electronic devices that may emit radio frequencies, or to please turn on the in-flight mode’. The difference this time is that it won’t just be on the plane, or be in regards to your cell phone.
www.newsoftheweird.com - ‘Earlier this year, Britain’s Ann Summers sex-product company announced it would stop selling its remote-controlled Love Bug 2 personal vibrator in Cyprus after Cypriot military officials complained that the device’s signals were interfering with army radio transmissions. ‘
This story was also carried in the Guardian and the Observer, where it becomes evident that the item must be within 15 meters of the radio device being used by the military. No one seems to mention that to be within that space of a military radio transmitter, you’d have to be in the army… and likely on duty. But I digress.
For those of you with any sort of radio transmitter, you’ll know of the phantom door-bell, baby monitor, garage door, and TV remote interference they can cause, in this case I don’t feel I need give you any more fodder for the imagination… have fun with this one.
As I write this, and just to prove that the machine world is in
complete support of this technology, my iTunes just randomly selected
‘you sexy thing’… I’m absolutely serious.
Perverted Justice: Updating the Genarlow Wilson Tragedy
The travesty continues. Despite a national outcry to help Genarlow Wilson, the Georgia teen sentenced to ten years in prison for engaging in consensual sex with a 15-year-old girl when he was 17, the state legislature recessed last week without addressing the issue. Even though that body has already changed the law to make his “crime” a misdemeanor with a maximum sentence of one year, and even though Wilson has already served more than double that time, the Senate failed to push through a measure allowing judges to retroactively adjust earlier sentences. And so, Wilson will continue languishing in the Burruss Correctional Training Center for as many as eight more years.
For those not familiar with the case, in 2003, Wilson was a 17-year-old senior at Douglas County High with a 3.2 GPA and football skills that had caught the attention of a several Ivy League schools. He was popular among students and teachers and had been voted Homecoming King. That all changed after a New Year’s Eve party during which he received oral sex from a 10th-grader. She was 15 and by all accounts the initiator. At the time, Georgia law stipulated that it was “a misdemeanor for teenagers less than three years apart to have sexual intercourse,” but a felony for them to have oral sex. Despite the inconsistency in severity of the two laws, Wilson was found guilty of aggravated child molestation, which carried a mandatory 10 years without parole.
As ridiculous as that is though, what’s even worse is the fact that no one involved — from the supposed victim to the Georgia Supreme Court — actually thinks he belongs in prison, and yet no one seems to be able to do anything about it. The legislature had a real opportunity to right one of the most heinous legal aberrations in recent American history and instead let it slip through the procedural cracks. And while lawmakers may be charged with serving their constituents, it is difficult to imagine in what way their actions (or lack thereof) could have done anything but a disservice to the citizens of the Peach State.
Offbeat erotica pumps porno-maker into big time
Soft on Demand (SOD), a Tokyo based porno company, has earned the weighty distinction of being the first firm from its industry to bust into the Who’s Who of Japanese Business, according to Shukan Asahi (6/15).
But what is it about this stick flick firm that makes it stand out from the pack?
“Adult videos have always been sorta dirty and made as jerk-off aids, but on the other hand they’ve also been anti-establishment and anti-authoritarian. But SOD’s porno is ridiculous. There’s nothing really sordid about it,” says writer and one-time porno director Genichiro Takahashi. “Sod’s flicks are like an extension of TV variety shows. They’re different to anything else in the porno world. SOD is sort of like the convenience store of the adult video business.”
Shukan Asahi notes that the 6-year-old company has certainly pumped out a string of hits, notably its “All Nude Sports Series” films. SOD gathered dozens of women, stripped them naked and filmed them as they performed everyday sports such as athletics, swimming and aerobics. Its 1999 flick featuring nude figure skating ended in disaster when its makers and the starlet ended up being arrested for public indecency.
Another hit was the “Uniforms, Undies and All Naked School Multi-Story.” Sold on DVD, three versions of the same story — high school students searching for a panty thief — play out. Though boys are always clothed, their female classmates and teachers act out the story in various stages of undress, starting in uniforms, moving to underwear and finally stripping fully naked.
Now, the weekly notes, SOD is working on the “All Naked Nursing Home for the Elderly.” It’s a story of a senior citizen’s home where senility runs rampant because of the strict rules enforced on its inhabitants. But that all changes with the arrival of Lulu, a new nurse who decides to brighten the oldies’ days by working in the buff. Lo and behold, lewd little Lulu works wonders and everybody starts stripping.
“We want to show that there’s nothing dirty about elderly sex. We got all the actresses playing nurses to strip off because we wanted people to know that the elderly need sex, too,” director Goro Ryuchi says. “I read dozens of books on caring for the elderly, and we had real nurses in to teach the girls the right sort of moves.”
It’s that sort of attitude that has lifted SOD to heady heights. Its sales were 1.6 billion yen in 1998, 2.8 billion yen a year later and a whopping 4.4 billion yen last year — figures that earned the company its prestigious listing.
“We are simply something entirely different from anything else that can be found in the adult video business,” SOD founder Masaya Takahashi says. “Most people in the porno business don’t study anything. They think that if there’s some even vaguely erotic about their films, people will buy them. It’s an industry where many people want to make as much money as they can with as small an outlay as possible.
“But we’re the other way. We want to spend money making good movies that we can sell cheaply. And people have backed us up on this.”
That’s not to say that SOD hasn’t had its flops, though. Its epic “All Naked Airborne F**k” featured nude women parachuting and weaving their way through a plethora of pyrotechnic tricks. Despite the huge, by adult video standards, investment made to produce the movie, sales were a disappointing 1,000 units. It’s been the only one of the All Naked Sports Series movies to record flaccid sales, though.
“If you can’t make something sexy, it’ll never sell. But that movie showed our customers that we weren’t afraid to spend the dough on making a good flick,” Takahashi says. “We listen to what our viewers tell us, then act. That’s been the key to Sod’s success.”
Shukan Asahi notes the porno company president holds high hopes for SOD.
“One in every 10 guys is supposed to buy porno videos. I want to make that two in 10. Once I’ve done that, I want to get women out there buying them. To do that, I’m going to have to run plenty of TV commercials. I want people to know that there’s nothing dirty about adult videos,” Takahashi says.
“From now on, we have to increase our profits, earn the respect of the wider world and set up a fund to protect women and children. I want to donate money to groups that help battered wives or abused kids.
“If people recognize SOD is making a contribution to society, awareness of the adult movie industry will change. Then, I can see the blokes from the Tokyo Stock Exchange coming to me with cap in hand, begging SOD to go public.”
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A Gadget For Good: Why You Should Love Windows Vista, Even If You Are Still With XP
So you want to know what is going to be the next big thing in the world of porn. And you want to know it first in order to jump in the train before it goes too fast. Unfortunately, i can’t help you, because i don’t know that myself. At the end of the day, we are never sure of what is gonna be the next big thing until that train is already passing under our nose at high speed. Intuition is what lets some lucky people to be ready to jump in that train before they even hear the noise of it approaching. So, all i can do, and i will do it happily, is to share my intuition about something with you and to leave it to you if it’s a good one or a bad one.
But, let’s start from the goods carried by that train. What if you could potentially reach 200,000,000 users with your adult products and services? I know…there is the Internet which gives you already the chance to reach 1 billion of potential customers. But what if i told you that those 200,000,000 of users would not have to find your services and products surfing the web? What if i told you that they would have them right in front of their eyes all day long, with no spamming whatsoever, that they would love to interact and would interact with them and that they would even market them for you through viral marketing for free?
Welcome to the world of Windows Vista and its Sidebar Gadgets capabilities! The new Windows Vista, although it has been released with a streak of bugs as per Microsoft tradition, it was already installed in 40,000,000 of personal computers at the beginning of April and it is estimated to be on 200,000,000 of PCs by the end of the year. The new Microsoft OS comes with a new feature called Sidebar which is a resident side-bar (lol) on the desktop helping users to organize theit gadgets.
What Are Gadgets?
Gadgets are easy-to-use mini programs that give users information at a glance and provide easy access to frequently used tools.
As users use their computer to access information, perform tasks, and interact with software, they may at times feel like they’re facing information-overload. They have to open a web browser just to check the weather, open an application to view their calendar, or, for staying within the adult business, accessing a members area with their browser, in order to check if there have been any updates. Now, with Windows Sidebar and its associated mini-applications called gadgets, the specific information they need is at their fingertips, in front of their eyes, 24/7.
So, How Can Gadget Benefit Me?
Let me talk about how they benefit me and my affiliates.
I have developed a gadget which lets users spy on my life 24/7 and lets my affiliates convert their traffic better. If you look at the below picture, you can see how my gadget looks and works alike.
Click Here To See Gadget In Article At Netpond Board
What you cannot see is that users who will click on the picture of the day, on the live shows counter and on the chat icon can be redirected to my website with my affiliates’ AFFILIATE CODE.
Basically, with my gadget i put my promo material with added value (i let them know in real time when i am on chat, on msn, when i have done my last update, when my next live webcam show is gonna happen etc.) directly in the users’ desktop, every day, 24/7.
Althought i am probably the first sponsor in the adult industry to exploit such a marketing tool, this will soon become a standard because of the obvious benefits for both the webmasters and the users: the users can literally spy on their favourite chicks life and even get free content directly on their desktop: think about it…users sits in front of their computer and get to know that their favourite pornstar is taking a shower, right now, directly from her or that she is on chat waiting for them to come in and have some cyber…all dressed with some original photographic material and with the chance to click on it and reach the pornstar in chat in a second, straight from their computer desktop…what a powerful marketing tool is that for a sponsor!
On the other side, webmasters can equally, greatly benefit from it: think of building a gadget, as i did, that carries a webmaster affiliate code, every time a user interact with it and visits the model website, or her chat room or looks at the photographic material. The webmaster has just to promote the gadget, forgetting updates and sales text, because all that will be taken care by the sponsor and shot directly in front of the user on their windows desktop: all the webmaster has to do is to offer the free download of the gadget from their websites. Once the users have downloaded it and added it to their Windows Vista Sidebar, it stays there, 24/7, until the users decide to eventually uninstall it. If you are a webmaster reading this, i am sure that you are already seeing the greatness of such a promo tool also from a cookies point of view, aren’t you
But that’s not all: think viral! No matter if you are a sponsor or a webmaster, your users will be allowed to redistribute the gadget online and to their friends freely. This means that the gadget with your affiliate code will reach a much larger audience than the one that you have at your websites!
The possibilities are endless and only your fantasy can limit them. If you want to know how a Gadget technically works and how to build one, you may want to have a look at
I can anticipate that Microsoft have done a pretty great job about it and that the basic development and deployment is pretty easy, if you know basic html and if you know how to zip-compress a file and a directory. Of course, in order to build a dynamic Gadget with some neat features and which updates on-the-fly can be a bit more complicated and it requires some knowledge of PHP and Java or other script languages. I hope that this has
been useful and don’t hesitate to contact me to let me know what you think about it.
I’ve been told by a number of managers of HUGE affiliate programs that 95% of their sales come from their top 25 (or fewer affiliates). When you consider the fact that some affiliate programs have thousands, even tens of thousands of affiliates, that’s actually pretty sad!
The fact is that most affiliates join an affiliate program, and then do nothing. Why is that. It’s generally because being a great affiliate marketer can be hard WORK.
Even the top producing affiliates are not big fans of hard work. They often have insider techniques that they use but don’t discuss with anyone.
So how does an affiliate program manager energize his affiliate force?
Since affiliates don’t like hard work, the obvious answer is to make it easy for them. You do this by providing easy to use tools. For example, if you could have your affiliates just share a video with their lists and website visitors, that’s really easy. Often, they’ll use a tool like this or a branded PDF file, when they wouldn’t use other tools. Part of the reason they’d do that is that often their list members enjoy these info product and don’t seem to notice that they’re being sold.
Video works so beautifully because the prospect isn’t even require to do any WORK. They just sit and watch. We’re all conditioned to watch television and movies. However, many of us have grown to hate reading… it’s too much like work, and reminds us of when we were in school, and often had burdensome reading loads.
If only Camtasia-style videos could be branded easily with affiliate links that then redirected the viewer to the affiliate site, this would be heaven - right.
Well, you can very easily brand Camtasia videos with affiliate urls. There’s absolutely NO reason that every affiliate in your affiliate force can’t be given a personalized (branded) version of your sales-producing videos. That would get a lot more of the hundreds, perhaps even thousands, of affiliates on your team, actually out promoting your products.
The real secrets that you’ve taken advantage of is the facts that:
1) For many affiliates, you really do have to do it for them.
2) You have to make your affiliates feel special. Giving them a video to distribute that has their url embedded accomplishes that. With Camtasia, the video will play, and at the end of the video, deliver your affiliate’s prospect right to the sales page or order form.
4) You need to give your affiliates the tools that they prefer to use. This sometimes differs but video is really hot these days. It’s hot with your affiliates’ customers too, because they don’t have to work… they just sit and watch, and buy
5) Many affiliates worry about protecting their sales. They worry about other affiliates hijacking their links. With branded Camtasia-style video, as the customer is taken to the sales page, you can also “set the cookie.” Depending upon how your affiliate program software is configured, you can prevent that cookie from being overwritten.
Offering your affiliate the easy to use tools that they prefer does one other things - it makes them loyal to YOU. Many affiliates display no real loyalty, and hop from product to product… often going to competing products. If you’re offering a tool like branded video, and your competitors aren’t, your affiliates will stick with your affiliate program.
Ok, so we’ve just covered a few ideas on how to really energize your affiliate force. Doing the things covered above can easily double or even triple your affiliate sales. The key to doing that is taking massive action. Start by learning how inexpensive and easy it is to offer your affilates branded videos. You can do that at: http://williecrawford.com/brander/
About The Author
Willie Crawford has been marketing affiliate, and his own products, over the internet since late-1996. His innovative techniques and total dedication to his customers makes him an in demand mentor! Camtasia video is his favorite tool. Discover how you too can create a flood of traffic with branded Camtasia videos at: http://williecrawford.com/brander/
You know you’ve got a sweet cushy job when you’re making lots of money and not working. Not having to report to a boss, no punching in at the time clock, what can be better right? Does this sound like your kind of job? I’m willing to bet on it. Of course it’s not all bells and whistles, to get to this point you have to put in some work.
No ones going to hand you a magic potion or software and puff you’re set for life, it not that easy but its easy enough. So easy in fact that all you need is a few hours a day and you will be well on your way. In some cases you don’t even need money or a web site.
When people ask me what I do, it’s not always easy to answer. Do you want the long version or the short version I ask? When I get asked how many hours I work, sometimes I say 2-3 hours a day and sometimes I say 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Both answers are the truth, depending on my mood. There is of course the inevitable question of how much money I make. Here is where I just smile and say, “you mean since I’ve been here talking to you?”
So you want to run your own home business, well as you can imagine being your own boss takes discipline. There is no one looking over your shoulder making sure you get the job done but this is both a blessing and a curse. Without discipline you’re doomed to failure. Its great setting my own schedule, but I’ve got a job to do and there’s no one else who’s going to do it for me. The great thing is when you see the fruits of your labor coming in you will want to work more at it than you think. Money is the great motivator and what’s better; working eight hours for your boss or working ten hours for you.
So what do I do? The really short version; I do Internet Marketing. The search engines are my greatest love, it’s a win-win situation. People come to the Internet and my website with needs, my job is to help them find what they want. I’ve had my share of all-nighters in the beginning and still do, you will also. Not because you have to, but because you’ll want to. Simply because in the not so distant future while you sleep at night or you’re off on that great vacation, your computer will still be at work making you money. Now tell me that isn’t a sweet deal.
About The Author
Juan Mendez is a Web Entrepreneur and aspiring writer.
Did you find this information useful? You can learn a lot more about Legitimate Home Based Business Opportunities at http://mastermindsresearch.com
Photographic camera became a desired consumer item since it became handheld many years ago. As it became digital with no need for film processing, digital camera became even more popular and it is now considered one of the most wanted optical/electronic consumer products.
However buying a digital camera may be a bit difficult due to the many brands and models being offered. After all there are so many features, one has to be sure of his needs in picking the right digital camera. The following tips might of some help:
1 - Price range: It is recommended that you establish a price range you are willing to pay for your new digital camera. Prices can start from bellow a hundred up to thousands of dollars.
2 - Features: Within the price range previously established, check the features available in digital cameras. Make sure it will meet your requirements for your personal or professional goals. You may find features such as zoom, automatic functions, special effects, black & white images, video recording capability and others.
3 - Battery life: Depending upon the places you go, charging the camera`s battery may not be possible. So make sure the battery life will last long enough during your outdoor activities. Also it may be a good idea to have some extra rechargeable batteries, so that that you won`t have to stop using the camera, while the original batteries are being charged.
4 - Memory Storage: Digital photographs are stored in the camera`s memory. Most cameras have built in memory, but it will accept memory card as well, to increase its storage capability. Depending upon the picture resolution, a user can take hundreds of shots, before it exceeds the memory storage.
5 - Image Resolution: Also known as pixel resolution, this is one of the most talked about features in digital cameras. Although 2.0 mega pixels will deliver good photos for any personal and emailing purposes, nowadays digital cameras with 8.0 and above mega pixels (million of pixels) have become a standard feature. The higher the mega pixel resolution, the better it will look the pictures in larger prints. For those thinking about image enlargement, high mega pixel resolution is a must.
6 - Lens: Beware that the zoom feature may be of two kinds: optical and digital. Optical zoom relies on the lens magnification and delivers a good, sharp and clear image. On the other hand, digital zoom is the magnifying of the digital image and produces a less sharp, grainy image. So make sure that the digital camera offers some optical zoom capability. Also look for lens auto focus and image stabilization features.
7 - LCD: LCD screen is a standard feature in every digital camera, and it works for framing the shot beforehand and viewing it afterwards. Look for LCD screen size 2 inches and above for better clear images.
8 - Online Stores: Whenever looking for the best deals in digital cameras, take a look at some trusted internet stores. Since prices are posted in web sites, people may find very easy to compare them, and get the best deals. Also take a look at some auction sites, for new and used digital cameras.
Digital camera has definitely become a very popular consumer product. The easy of taking shots and emailing to friends have really made this item an absolute must-have kind of product. I guess one could say that people found in digital cameras the perfect tool to preserve special moments by sharing digital photos with loved ones, around this ever growing wide web world.
About The Author
Roberto Sedycias has a bachelor degree in Business Administration and over 20 years experience in systems analysis and computer programming. Currently working as IT consultant for http://www.polomercantil.com.br
Another week has flown by and I for one never realized it was going. Traffic comes and goes conversions happen or sometimes they do not. *shrugs* Another day in the biz.
This week for Americans was special. It was 4th of July and for us an excuse to indulge, take a day off from work, eat too much, drink too much, and provide a feast of delicate human flesh for crawling and flying and biting bugs!
Sound like fun?
Well it is not.
In any case the big day dawns, and I roll out of bed just like always right around 7 am. I grab a shower and walk the dog and let my ancient pc warm up during this, as my much needed coffee perks.
All done, I sit down to work in earnest around 8 am.
The board is quiet (good) my servers are more or less functioning. I see no hate mail, or even more disturbing love letters from my blog readers.
Yes indeed, it is shaping up to be a good morning!
It is time for my daily blog posts and happily I sit down to do them…until there is a tap at my door and my sis is there, the convo goes something like this:
Sis: “Good morning it is 4th of July I am making egg salad, potato salad, sausages, brisket, and fajitas! Come help you need to get away from that nasty computer!”
Me: *mumble mumble*…”Busy.”
Sis: “Ok but you really should get out more.” Stomps away.
Something like an hour later another tap at the door.
Now at this point I am in the midst of trying to fix a broken script on one of my blogs and out of patience.
Sis: “Ok the food is nearly fixed just a few touches more, why not come sit out on the porch with us! Aunt Sally is here and Uncle Charlie. I know how much you love them.”
I must interject here with, I don’t like either of them.
Aunt Sally always tells me “You need to settle down and get married. A girl has no business spending all her time in front of a computer. The rays are bad for your complexion and besides what does a woman need to know besides cooking?”
Uncle Charlie smokes too much drinks too much beer, vomited on my living room floor last year and always asks me how much I make a year because he can get me so much more down at the car dealership doing their books, and everyone knows a steady paycheck beats out any get rich fantasies I might have…yeah I really want to come next door for that.
Final point here is, that sitting out on the side porch with relatives I do not care for and half of whom I do not know has never seemed like a grand old time to me.
Me:”Sorry sis something is broken on one of my servers and I really must fix it would you tell them I will come out in a little..k? Pretty please?”
While I tell this half lie my mind is feverishly going over the excuses remaining to me like maybe an exotic disease…no, I had used that one on christmas.
Sis stomps off louder than the last time and slams the door between our houses.
Noon comes and another tap at the door this one I am expecting.
I am in the midst of trying to make a post about two fake lesbians who in those pictures were the closest they would had ever come to licking a pussy. Eww, talk about trying to polish turds!
Sis: “You are coming out. You are coming out now, and I will not wait on you one more second. Get dressed and come make nice.” She continues gaining volume and force as she goes like a snowball.
“I cook, I slave from four in the morning to make it all pretty and impress our guests and you refuse to be polite? I will not tolerate it! Get dressed you have 5 minutes!”
Shades of our mother, Batman!
Ok for those of you laughing at me right now tell me you do not have an insane martyr relative who “gives it all up” for you to make everything nice and to give you (fill in the blank), even if, or especially if you hate (fill in the blank)?
If you don’t, I want to be adopted into your family!
If you do not have an Uncle Charlie who politely or impolitely barfs on your carpet, or as in this year, our daisies on the porch.
If you also do not have an Aunt Sally always willing to tell you exactly what you must do “for your own good’ of course” then I want your family!
Actually I am pretty stubborn and even the martyr thing won’t budge me but…those lesbians did. God I can’t stand fake porn so….
I get up and get on some pretty party stuff so that more skin is exposed for mosquito biting, and a tummy bulge will show if I eat too much and whichever new and almost surely socially inept guy they always bring for me to sit across from, will keep staring until I am ready to crawl under the table.
Sounds like a blast eh?
Into battle I go with a bit of makeup and the vision of those fake lesbians to fortify me.
Stepping out on to her “porch” is an adventure and for a west texas girl and a cultural shock.
It is green. The green hits you in a way that no one who has not spent time in the desert can understand. As you step from the side door and the smell of all her beautifully cultivated flowers wafts to you as well as the tinkle of the little waterfall set in the corner you get the feeling of peace. Hers is an oasis of green sitting in the middle of a parched texas desert. There are even what we in Texas choose to call oaks. A scrub tree only half the size of the real thing but…when in the desert take what you can get!
The surroundings always surprise me and please me, even with long familiarity with them.
My senses are next assaulted by the people and the feeling of peace is fast replaced with a vision of chaos and too many bright colors…all worn by relatives. 20 or more of them crammed into this little sideyard on benches and lawnchairs hogging all the shade they can find and talking a bit too loudly. Seas of relatives in too tight spandex over much too much bare and aging flesh and loud shirts and louder children. Plumes of smoke from both the barbque and various tobacco products burning, sift into my nostrils making my mouth water and then my eyes burn.
Of course Aunt Sally and Uncle Charlie greet me immediately and proceed to introduce me to the geek of the season. The poor guy they have brought presumably to sacrifice on the altar of “Getting Chimera a nice young man instead of those awful computers”.
This year’s offering was a guy some 5 years younger than I who could use several good meals and who had that “far away look” that we get after too too many hours at the computer.
It could be worse I think to myself, one year they brought a bird watcher. Oh that was some fun times….NOT.
Well after excusing ourselves from Aunt Sally and Uncle Charlie and convincing this poor young man that I would not bite him if he talked instead of typing we discussed general topics like “What kind of ram you have in your comp and how big a hard drive and what type of processor and do you use a laptop too for change of location?” I discover in this halting discourse that he is a gamer and me having played one of the games he was currently addicted to could add “Uh huh and you of course brought “fill in the blank” on that awesome raid on LBC right?”
This opened the dams for the strange young man and allowed me to go on autopilot while he filled my ears with tales of his glorious and dangerous excursions into his virtual world.
Man, those lesbians were looking better and better.
So why do I fall into this trap every year and come out and make nice to whatever fellow they have chosen to showcase for me instead of visiting the relatives?
The answer is the alternatives are far worse.
I have vast hordes of cousins who show off their children and make me look though literally hundreds of photos and hear wonderful stories about how successful their husbands are and what a delightful life they have, and don’t I think lavender and verdant green was the perfect color for a bathroom? Oh yes and isn’t it a shame I was stuck with no man? UGH.
Or The Aunt Sally and Uncle Charlie lectures, or time with the kids who toss hotdogs in my hair, trample our flowers, and torment the poor cats.
Yes, whatever young man they have chosen that holiday is way better than those!
Now, as this guy fills one ear with tales of his adventures in Lower Black Rock Spire, I can hear my sister from my other ear saying “Of course she makes good money, she sells fishing rods oh I don’t remember the brand but some guy’s name”.
Whew, I dodged that bullet for now.
“No, she doesn’t do that naughty naked people stuff! What kind of people do you think we are?”
That got a giggle from me. I can’t speak for my devoutly churchgoing sis, but I do know about me. Those lesbians were looking even better with each passing moment. I could surely write something inspired about two over made up, obviously contrived, busty chicks with their tongues 10 inches from any “part” that mattered.
It was just another endless family holiday, and never fails to make me grateful for my job.
