Another week has flown by and I for one never realized it was going. Traffic comes and goes conversions happen or sometimes they do not. *shrugs* Another day in the biz.
This week for Americans was special. It was 4th of July and for us an excuse to indulge, take a day off from work, eat too much, drink too much, and provide a feast of delicate human flesh for crawling and flying and biting bugs!
Sound like fun?
Well it is not.
In any case the big day dawns, and I roll out of bed just like always right around 7 am. I grab a shower and walk the dog and let my ancient pc warm up during this, as my much needed coffee perks.
All done, I sit down to work in earnest around 8 am.
The board is quiet (good) my servers are more or less functioning. I see no hate mail, or even more disturbing love letters from my blog readers.
Yes indeed, it is shaping up to be a good morning!
It is time for my daily blog posts and happily I sit down to do them…until there is a tap at my door and my sis is there, the convo goes something like this:
Sis: “Good morning it is 4th of July I am making egg salad, potato salad, sausages, brisket, and fajitas! Come help you need to get away from that nasty computer!”
Me: *mumble mumble*…”Busy.”
Sis: “Ok but you really should get out more.” Stomps away.
Something like an hour later another tap at the door.
Now at this point I am in the midst of trying to fix a broken script on one of my blogs and out of patience.
Sis: “Ok the food is nearly fixed just a few touches more, why not come sit out on the porch with us! Aunt Sally is here and Uncle Charlie. I know how much you love them.”
I must interject here with, I don’t like either of them.
Aunt Sally always tells me “You need to settle down and get married. A girl has no business spending all her time in front of a computer. The rays are bad for your complexion and besides what does a woman need to know besides cooking?”
Uncle Charlie smokes too much drinks too much beer, vomited on my living room floor last year and always asks me how much I make a year because he can get me so much more down at the car dealership doing their books, and everyone knows a steady paycheck beats out any get rich fantasies I might have…yeah I really want to come next door for that.
Final point here is, that sitting out on the side porch with relatives I do not care for and half of whom I do not know has never seemed like a grand old time to me.
Me:”Sorry sis something is broken on one of my servers and I really must fix it would you tell them I will come out in a little..k? Pretty please?”
While I tell this half lie my mind is feverishly going over the excuses remaining to me like maybe an exotic disease…no, I had used that one on christmas.
Sis stomps off louder than the last time and slams the door between our houses.
Noon comes and another tap at the door this one I am expecting.
I am in the midst of trying to make a post about two fake lesbians who in those pictures were the closest they would had ever come to licking a pussy. Eww, talk about trying to polish turds!
Sis: “You are coming out. You are coming out now, and I will not wait on you one more second. Get dressed and come make nice.” She continues gaining volume and force as she goes like a snowball.
“I cook, I slave from four in the morning to make it all pretty and impress our guests and you refuse to be polite? I will not tolerate it! Get dressed you have 5 minutes!”
Shades of our mother, Batman!
Ok for those of you laughing at me right now tell me you do not have an insane martyr relative who “gives it all up” for you to make everything nice and to give you (fill in the blank), even if, or especially if you hate (fill in the blank)?
If you don’t, I want to be adopted into your family!
If you do not have an Uncle Charlie who politely or impolitely barfs on your carpet, or as in this year, our daisies on the porch.
If you also do not have an Aunt Sally always willing to tell you exactly what you must do “for your own good’ of course” then I want your family!
Actually I am pretty stubborn and even the martyr thing won’t budge me but…those lesbians did. God I can’t stand fake porn so….
I get up and get on some pretty party stuff so that more skin is exposed for mosquito biting, and a tummy bulge will show if I eat too much and whichever new and almost surely socially inept guy they always bring for me to sit across from, will keep staring until I am ready to crawl under the table.
Sounds like a blast eh?
Into battle I go with a bit of makeup and the vision of those fake lesbians to fortify me.
Stepping out on to her “porch” is an adventure and for a west texas girl and a cultural shock.
It is green. The green hits you in a way that no one who has not spent time in the desert can understand. As you step from the side door and the smell of all her beautifully cultivated flowers wafts to you as well as the tinkle of the little waterfall set in the corner you get the feeling of peace. Hers is an oasis of green sitting in the middle of a parched texas desert. There are even what we in Texas choose to call oaks. A scrub tree only half the size of the real thing but…when in the desert take what you can get!
The surroundings always surprise me and please me, even with long familiarity with them.
My senses are next assaulted by the people and the feeling of peace is fast replaced with a vision of chaos and too many bright colors…all worn by relatives. 20 or more of them crammed into this little sideyard on benches and lawnchairs hogging all the shade they can find and talking a bit too loudly. Seas of relatives in too tight spandex over much too much bare and aging flesh and loud shirts and louder children. Plumes of smoke from both the barbque and various tobacco products burning, sift into my nostrils making my mouth water and then my eyes burn.
Of course Aunt Sally and Uncle Charlie greet me immediately and proceed to introduce me to the geek of the season. The poor guy they have brought presumably to sacrifice on the altar of “Getting Chimera a nice young man instead of those awful computers”.
This year’s offering was a guy some 5 years younger than I who could use several good meals and who had that “far away look” that we get after too too many hours at the computer.
It could be worse I think to myself, one year they brought a bird watcher. Oh that was some fun times….NOT.
Well after excusing ourselves from Aunt Sally and Uncle Charlie and convincing this poor young man that I would not bite him if he talked instead of typing we discussed general topics like “What kind of ram you have in your comp and how big a hard drive and what type of processor and do you use a laptop too for change of location?” I discover in this halting discourse that he is a gamer and me having played one of the games he was currently addicted to could add “Uh huh and you of course brought “fill in the blank” on that awesome raid on LBC right?”
This opened the dams for the strange young man and allowed me to go on autopilot while he filled my ears with tales of his glorious and dangerous excursions into his virtual world.
Man, those lesbians were looking better and better.
So why do I fall into this trap every year and come out and make nice to whatever fellow they have chosen to showcase for me instead of visiting the relatives?
The answer is the alternatives are far worse.
I have vast hordes of cousins who show off their children and make me look though literally hundreds of photos and hear wonderful stories about how successful their husbands are and what a delightful life they have, and don’t I think lavender and verdant green was the perfect color for a bathroom? Oh yes and isn’t it a shame I was stuck with no man? UGH.
Or The Aunt Sally and Uncle Charlie lectures, or time with the kids who toss hotdogs in my hair, trample our flowers, and torment the poor cats.
Yes, whatever young man they have chosen that holiday is way better than those!
Now, as this guy fills one ear with tales of his adventures in Lower Black Rock Spire, I can hear my sister from my other ear saying “Of course she makes good money, she sells fishing rods oh I don’t remember the brand but some guy’s name”.
Whew, I dodged that bullet for now.
“No, she doesn’t do that naughty naked people stuff! What kind of people do you think we are?”
That got a giggle from me. I can’t speak for my devoutly churchgoing sis, but I do know about me. Those lesbians were looking even better with each passing moment. I could surely write something inspired about two over made up, obviously contrived, busty chicks with their tongues 10 inches from any “part” that mattered.
It was just another endless family holiday, and never fails to make me grateful for my job.

Peace

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